Red Satin Skirt

7.05.2019


Not much to say today, just sharing these photos from Memorial Day weekend.

What's Up?

7.02.2019

Hello! It's been a while, a very long while. A lot has happened since I last posted in September. You  may know most of it, if you follow me on Instagram, but I will quickly fill you in before you scroll down to my Disney World Vacation photos.

Last year I spent the whole year in hospitals due to heavy bleeding and chronic anemia which the huge fibroid in the cavity of my uterus caused, which also prevented me from getting pregnant for the past 4 years.  Thankfully, after seeing so many doctors I finally found my lifesaver Dr. Shallit. I literally owe my life to him. I have normal and shorter periods now and my hemoglobin levels are on point, so I have more energy than I ever did, The fatigue was killing me! And I no longer have to stay home and worry about a blood bath, which has happened in public by the way.

In the midst of all of this my condition put a strain in my relationship with Kevin, now this I have never shared on social media and I won't get into much details, but it was hard, very hard. My depression and anxiety got really bad. I didn't want to live anymore, not because of our relationship, but because of everything I was going through, starting from the moment my mother got cancer, then me getting sick, then losing my grandmother in Honduras, which till this day I have enormous guilt because I never got to meet her. Then not being able to get pregnant and then my family falling apart.
I just wanted to see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel and it felt like it wasn't happening any time soon.

Not a lot of people understand anxiety/depression. Every time I tried to express myself, it was always "get over it" "snap out of it" As if it's that easy or I haven't tried to "get over it" It's fucking hard! So many thoughts go through my head. I think the worse and over analyze everything and worst of all I feel so alone. I still do.

Last Summer I decided to give therapy a shot and although it revealed a lot of fucked up shit, it helped me a lot. I learned that matter what people think of me, I am worth it. I am a damn good person, a good mother, a good daughter, a good friend, and a good partner.  Though people expect me to be, I am not perfect and I refuse to try to be. I can only do my best.

This Winter Kevin and I decided to go through Fertility. As most of you know the first round was a success. On February10th of 2019 I found out  I was pregnant with my baby girl Isabella. When I received that e-mail from my doctor saying that I was pregnant, I felt like I was dreaming. I couldn't believe it. I immediately went into my room and Thanked God so many times. 2019 was gonna be my year. Everything was going great with my pregnancy, until March 18th when I went for my 9 week ultrasound and we found out there was no heartbeat. (Just writing about it tears me apart) I felt my whole world collapse. I couldn't believe yet another bad thing was happening to me. I had so many plans for her, I couldn't wait to see her, hold her, smell her and see Gavin bond with her, but I guess God had other plans.

So again I hit rock bottom. Dealing with this kind of pain was incredibly hard. Suddenly I was not only grieving the loss of my girl, but I was grieving everything I had lost, including myself. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Isabella and all that she revealed to me. How selfish and insensitive people can be...comments like "well at least you're a mother" "you have Gavin" "oh well just try again next time" None of that shit made me feel any better! I know I have Gavin. I love him more than my life. Man, that kid is my absolute all. And it's also because of him why I wanted to grow my family. I want him to have brothers and sisters. And just because I am Mother already doesn't make my feeling any less valid. Just thinking about it now it infuriates me!

I have cried every single day, some days more than others, but it's a healthy cry, if that makes any sense. It's something I need to do in order to heal. It's not the kind of cry where I don't want to exist.
I still have those moments of despair, but I am trying to be better to myself by not giving my energy to people that don't deserve it and most importantly by loving myself more and enjoying my Gavin.

 Anyway, in the end were no abnormalities found in the pathology report, so I guess I'll never know why she didn't make it, but I hope she is looking down on her family, especially her big Brother and knows that we loved her so very much.

This was a lot more than I expected to write, but I hope you if you are or went through something similar, that reading this was some kind of help for you.

We say it all the time, but most of us don't really live by this saying. Life Is Short, very short. Don't be an asshole. Be kind, Be honest, and Love deeply.

Okay so here are the photos from Gavin's breakfast with Lilo & Stitch, and Mickey Mouse at the 'Ohana restaurant at The Polynesian resort. (and some of photos of yours truly)

Popsugar x Kohls dress (such a great find!) | Benardo sandals

Peach Sweater Dress

9.19.2018

Hello!

9.10.2018


Hi guys! Can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. July 18th to be exact. A few things have happened since then. As most of you know I was recovering from a Hysteroscopy surgery that I had back June. This surgery was to remove a large fibroid that I had in the cavity of my uterus which was preventing pregnancy and affecting my quality of life. The surgery was a kind of a success. My doctor was able to get 90% of it out, the everyday heavy bleeding has stopped, I don't feel as fatigued and I was able to stop taking all these damn hormones that had my body and skin really messed up. So that's the bright side.

The downside of it all is that I have to get surgery, again. This time a Myomectomy, which I am extremely worried about.  This procedure will have to be done to remove the rest of the fibroid that couldn't be removed vaginally. A small incision will be made on my lower abdomen, it'll be like a c-section. This absolutely terrifies me, but unfortunately it has to be done. 

A few weeks ago after my Hysteroscopy, I went for my follow up and it turned out the 10% of fibroid that was left was still preventing me from getting pregnant. My uterus is pretty much distorted. I could barely hold back my tears. This has been such a struggle and now the fact that I have to go through major surgery really messes me up. 

I've been told that recovery will be tough and I worry about that so much. I am putting all my faith and trust in my God, but I can't help to feel scared. Have any of you gone through this procedure? Please share your experience with me through Instagram. I would love to hear how recovery was for you.

(these photos were taken in late July. hope you guys like!)


GREEN TUBE TOP

7.18.2018

Wearing: Forever 21 tube top (similar tube tops) | Rag & Bone jeans | Bronzallure earrings (similar earrings here) | old Zara sandals

DAY BY DAY

7.17.2018


 These photos were taken on July 3rd, but I am just now getting a chance to post. My anxiety has been through the roof and I just want to feel better already. I hope someday to be able to open up to you guys about everything I have been going through, but I will tell you it hasn't been easy. As of now I am just fighting. Fighting every single day to feel fulfilled, healthy and happy. Though I love the outfits and photos that I post, sometimes I don't post them right away because it reminds me of what I went through that day and I try my best to avoid it and block it so my anxiety doesn't escalate.

I am taking it day by day and praying that some day I will be the Delmy I was once before.
And on that note I hope you are having a beautiful day, full of love and laughter.

XOD


 

@DELMYRIVERAM

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