What's Up?

7.02.2019

Hello! It's been a while, a very long while. A lot has happened since I last posted in September. You  may know most of it, if you follow me on Instagram, but I will quickly fill you in before you scroll down to my Disney World Vacation photos.

Last year I spent the whole year in hospitals due to heavy bleeding and chronic anemia which the huge fibroid in the cavity of my uterus caused, which also prevented me from getting pregnant for the past 4 years.  Thankfully, after seeing so many doctors I finally found my lifesaver Dr. Shallit. I literally owe my life to him. I have normal and shorter periods now and my hemoglobin levels are on point, so I have more energy than I ever did, The fatigue was killing me! And I no longer have to stay home and worry about a blood bath, which has happened in public by the way.

In the midst of all of this my condition put a strain in my relationship with Kevin, now this I have never shared on social media and I won't get into much details, but it was hard, very hard. My depression and anxiety got really bad. I didn't want to live anymore, not because of our relationship, but because of everything I was going through, starting from the moment my mother got cancer, then me getting sick, then losing my grandmother in Honduras, which till this day I have enormous guilt because I never got to meet her. Then not being able to get pregnant and then my family falling apart.
I just wanted to see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel and it felt like it wasn't happening any time soon.

Not a lot of people understand anxiety/depression. Every time I tried to express myself, it was always "get over it" "snap out of it" As if it's that easy or I haven't tried to "get over it" It's fucking hard! So many thoughts go through my head. I think the worse and over analyze everything and worst of all I feel so alone. I still do.

Last Summer I decided to give therapy a shot and although it revealed a lot of fucked up shit, it helped me a lot. I learned that matter what people think of me, I am worth it. I am a damn good person, a good mother, a good daughter, a good friend, and a good partner.  Though people expect me to be, I am not perfect and I refuse to try to be. I can only do my best.

This Winter Kevin and I decided to go through Fertility. As most of you know the first round was a success. On February10th of 2019 I found out  I was pregnant with my baby girl Isabella. When I received that e-mail from my doctor saying that I was pregnant, I felt like I was dreaming. I couldn't believe it. I immediately went into my room and Thanked God so many times. 2019 was gonna be my year. Everything was going great with my pregnancy, until March 18th when I went for my 9 week ultrasound and we found out there was no heartbeat. (Just writing about it tears me apart) I felt my whole world collapse. I couldn't believe yet another bad thing was happening to me. I had so many plans for her, I couldn't wait to see her, hold her, smell her and see Gavin bond with her, but I guess God had other plans.

So again I hit rock bottom. Dealing with this kind of pain was incredibly hard. Suddenly I was not only grieving the loss of my girl, but I was grieving everything I had lost, including myself. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Isabella and all that she revealed to me. How selfish and insensitive people can be...comments like "well at least you're a mother" "you have Gavin" "oh well just try again next time" None of that shit made me feel any better! I know I have Gavin. I love him more than my life. Man, that kid is my absolute all. And it's also because of him why I wanted to grow my family. I want him to have brothers and sisters. And just because I am Mother already doesn't make my feeling any less valid. Just thinking about it now it infuriates me!

I have cried every single day, some days more than others, but it's a healthy cry, if that makes any sense. It's something I need to do in order to heal. It's not the kind of cry where I don't want to exist.
I still have those moments of despair, but I am trying to be better to myself by not giving my energy to people that don't deserve it and most importantly by loving myself more and enjoying my Gavin.

 Anyway, in the end were no abnormalities found in the pathology report, so I guess I'll never know why she didn't make it, but I hope she is looking down on her family, especially her big Brother and knows that we loved her so very much.

This was a lot more than I expected to write, but I hope you if you are or went through something similar, that reading this was some kind of help for you.

We say it all the time, but most of us don't really live by this saying. Life Is Short, very short. Don't be an asshole. Be kind, Be honest, and Love deeply.

Okay so here are the photos from Gavin's breakfast with Lilo & Stitch, and Mickey Mouse at the 'Ohana restaurant at The Polynesian resort. (and some of photos of yours truly)

Popsugar x Kohls dress (such a great find!) | Benardo sandals

6 comments

  1. Your courage is amazing. Thank you for sharing. I too had chronic anemia and ridiculous heavy periods where i would leak on the floor AT work!! I was super drained all the time and didn’t know why until almost a year now . I found out i had 4 fibroids..one being in the uterine cavity causing all that mess. I had my surgery almost a month ago and although i don’t quite feel like myself yet ..still healing.. i am grateful my doc told me my procedure was a success. The things ya women have to go through will always amaze me but I’m so proud to be one!! Have a great holiday weekend! ❤️

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I hope ppl will read this and learn to be kinder than usual. God bless

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  3. I've been a fan since 2009 and always admired your realness. Thank you for sharing your story and being transparent. I know you did it for yourself, but you helped others by sharing. I'm glad things are looking up now and I hope things continue to get better and you and Kevin are in a better place now.

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  4. Lord I've been reading your blog for forever but it's been a while since I've been back here. I am soo sorry for what you have gone through, I remember reading about some struggles before and I truly hope you have ways to get through it with a a bit of ease. Your fashion sense still blows me away and I am not sure why I didn't keep up but I will now. Just remember, you got this. From one paisana to another, suerte, my friend.

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  5. I'm so sorry you've been having a tough time. Hopefully things will improve. I've been reading your blog since I was in HS and its nice to see you're still going at it.

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  6. You are so beautiful and strong. I have been following you for many years now and I admire the strength you have to share this story. I'm so sorry for what you have been through and I also thank you for for being able to share this story with everyone.

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